It's about time I am just out with it. I've said I had a big, important blog coming. I just needed to find some words and to feel intensely enough to get across that I am certain in this. I am not certain I how I am going to go about all of it but what follows is truth, and self discovery.
I've never wanted something like I want this.
I don't know what was the catalyst, but something in me snapped and I knew that I knew what I wanted.
I want to sing. And act. I want to be on stage. I want to entertain, and I want to be great.
I want to be a part of a show. I want to be me. And I know who that is now. I do. And I'm going to do what I have to to get there.
I am going to school to get my degree in high school English teaching. I don't think I'll ever use that degree. I don't want to be a teacher. No, no. That isn't right. I wouldn't mind being a teaching. But I don't NEED to be a teacher. I need to be a performer. An actor. An artist. That is what I am. I am an actor. There is nothing indecisive in me. There is nothing holding me back. No questions. I'm so sure about this it hurts. It hurts because I have to go to school. I have to save money and I have to have a plan. I don't even want any of that. If I had my way the only classes I would be taking right now would be voice lessons, dance classes. I'd be studying drama--history, theory, everything. I'd be in my car on my way to New York City RIGHT NOW if I had the means. The money to get there and a way to sustain myself. It would be fool hardy to just up and go without a plan, but it would be just as bad if I didn't start doing all I can as soon as I can to get where I KNOW I need to be. Broadway. Off-Broadway. Simply, the stage.
For so long I worried about things that really had nothing to do with the real me. Who I am. I worried about how certain other people saw me, and in the end I only did myself a disservice. I love my family, and I love my friends. But I know that if I am going to be happy, I have to make some choices that are solely my own. And right now, I don't even feel as if this is a choice. I feel as if it is a calling. I have some ideas bouncing around in my head about how I can get myself started and now I need to implement them.
2 comments:
Um. I think you've lost it. I'm not going to pretty this up for you: Theatre people are snobs. There will be people better than you. Theatre is about your ability, it's about the way you look, and it's about luck. This seems like a pre-life crisis to me. You can always be on the stage without giving up a solid career. If you teach you have the whole SUMMER to be in shows or whatever. But speaking as someone who knows and loves you, Broadway is aiming too far up. And anything below that is dirt poor.
This is mean. I know. But sometimes we need someone to get do that. We need someone to kick us down a bit. You can see this as a "Maddie's holding me back" thing and try to create a Disney Channel story for yourself, but I guarantee you, a lot of hardship will follow that decision.
This is like me saying I want to be a professional dancer at this point in my life. My heart calls me to dance. I love to do it. I love to perform and work an audience. But I happen to know I weigh too much, I don't have long enough legs, and I'm not good enough. That's someone with a hell of a lot of training. What training have you under your belt?
I sound like a bitch, but someone needs to be. Be a teacher. Open a local theatre wherever you go. Teach English! Most English teachers end up with the drama department. You'd actually be a teacher that didn't resent it. At least get your degree... so when you go on this escapade, you'll have some security. Jeez.
I say fuck that... do what makes you happy. No one would ever go anywhere if they listened to words like that. I know you and I know you take what she says to heart, but don't let this stop you or make you rethink your plans. There is value in sound advice, agreed. It also will be very difficult to reach such lofty goals. However, you have a dream and you should chase it, or else you're not living... you're settling. Love you good sir.
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