A Piece on the Present

I finished the novel "Nausea" by Jean-Paul Sartre today.
It didn't move me; I'm not sure it was meant to.
Not much happened; I guess it wasn't supposed to.
Such is existentialism. Such is life. A book begins; it ends.
We live; we die. That's the order of things. Moving on.
I also did some calculations regarding my finances, and I have
$11.51 to play with this week, after buying groceries, paying
fines and debts, and putting aside savings.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Dr. Thomas Derrick @ the Cup and Chaucer,
the cafe at the Cunningham Memorial Library at ISU. He is my adviser.
I won't buy coffee, I'll make some at home and take it with me,.
He is giving me my PIN and we are going to discuss some things such as
my disappearance last fall, my intention to pick my education degree back up,
and what classes I can/should take in order to best accommodate myself.
I'll also mention that I would like to pick up Teaching English as a Second language,
as a minor. I need an honors minor too, or does studying abroad fill that requirement?
Either way--

I would like to study abroad in the spring; I don't know where yet.
That's something I could discuss with Dr. D, but I will also need to talk
to the woman who handles all of that sort of thing. I can't recall her name at the
moment, but she's nice; I met her once, maybe twice.

(After the last line was written I had an argument with my younger sister, Courtney. She really can be a bitch sometimes, but yelling back at her and getting defensivedoes no good; I know this. But I still do it. I still do it. Why? God knows. Translation: There is no good reason.)

So after my meeting with Dr. Derrick, I will go to the controller's office and pay the $95
that is barring me from registering for classes. How I racked up that kind of fine I really don't
know. But I'll pay it, and I'll be in the clear. Next I will talk to residential life. Figure out living
situations. I won't be able to live in Pickerl. That's where I would like to be. But it will take me
at least a semester to pull my GPA back up to Honor Student standards. I need to talk to
Greg Bierly about that. Ask if I am able to get in good standing if I can move back in to my
old stomping grounds. It's the nicest residence hall at Indiana State; it really is.
I have realistically high goals, I think.









Been keeping a steady sweat on my brow
As is evidenced by the ring of sweat on my cap
I pound the same pavement as I have for years
With a little more pay off, a little more speed
My legs ache and my back aches and I breathe hard
But it's a good ache as I'm learning what it means to work hard.
I've got next to no money, which is more than before
And my friends are by and large the same
I've traded in a few, and I've reaffirmed a few more
I'm glad to say I feel good today
I feel good about today, and yesterday
And I have high hopes for tomorrow.

Making Amends: Family First

I was just telling my buddy Christian I get more honest the later it gets. I have been going to bed 
much earlier (11 o'clock or so) and this being up late thing is a little weird.

The following is a rendering of the text message I sent to my sister Heather at 2:17 AM 06/01/2013:


 Heather,

It's Kyle, your brother. I'm so sorry I haven't messaged you before.
I gave a false start to a lot of things over the last few years. I kind of fell
apart and lost myself whenmy mom threw my dad out. I had to pick a side.
At 18, or any age, that is a really hard thing to do. Something in me shattered.
That compounded with reclaiming my first real love and losing her again that same
year--I lost any semblance of an anchor I might have had on life and went adrift.

I lost a lot of people and lost trust or respect from many more by sheer impulsivity and
thoughtlessness. I am doing my best to do right for myself and all those I love. That's why
I am texting you in the middle of the night. I got both of our hopes up about reconnecting
many months ago and simply got scared or too busy or some other invalid excuse and I
withdrew without even proper explanation. That wasn't fair or right.

I hope this isn't too little  too late,
but I would really like to get in touch with you.
You are my sister and for some reason
that means something to me. I know it does to you, too.
 I'm sorry about the hour.
I hope this doesn't wake you up,
but I just really wanted to send this
right when I thought about it.

There are some pretty bad storms rolling our way.
Tornadoes and 60+ mile an hour winds.
Still west of us, and may just clip us, as it is now.
Steady thunder and lightening and rain that alternates
from heavy to light downpour, but nothing scary yet.

That feels important.
The fact that it's storming
and it is you I felt the need to talk to.
It's fitting in its way.

Nights like these seem to follow me.

But, I'm older now, and more mature (whatever that is supposed to mean--
I hardly know). For a long time, I thought the world revolved around me. I never realized this
(or was too "humble" to ever admit what my subconscious obviously felt).
And if I am not careful, I can and will fall back into those same patterns.

It's scary, Heather. It really is. Because I know it's  wrong,
and that the selfishness I have and often do perpetrate is a ...it could be my downfall.
As it  was our father's.
And his father's.
That's the path of least resistance for me,
to be just like those
who came before me.
And it's the nature of things to follow the path of least resistance.
The easiest thing for me to do is whine and complain
how my dad did this or that or how he didn't.

But I know that I am now responsible to take matters into my own hands.
To be man enough to say "Okay, here's what happened. Where do I go from there?"
I have to blaze a new trail ahead, not wander around the same old shitty backwoods hole
my forefathers carved out for me, if you will. I want you to be on and along that trail. I have
seen your Facebook posts and pictures of you with your family, and I can tell you are a
good person. I could always use a good person in my life, especially right now as I am kind
of starting over. I recently got a job, and have taken the first steps in getting back to school
in the fall. I have some "friends" I am better without and I have some real friends and family I
know I need to spend time and/or get right with.
I am on a runway,
and I'm taking off,
this time, I really do believe,
for real.

Best hopes and wishes for you and your whole family,

Kyle Gene Burke

A rumination inspired by various variables. To the past, and to the future. The present is a gift, and therefore must be highly regarded but saved for special occasions.

 Count to Five (Fire and Ice)
 Once I loved and twice I lost
Third time's the charm
Four years gone turned into five
And if I count much further
I'll surely break my own heart

World traveler, restless mess
Set this life ablaze
In your eyes
No, in your eyes
The fire's burning wide

I can't tell
if we're still spinning
All I know is
I'm still dizzy
And I  can't count no more
Not on you or anyone
I'll have to learn to count again
This time I'll do it
alone

Here goes...

Once I stood up and twice you pushed me,
You almost pushed me down
Three words defined me
Four, if you count the "still"
Five years gone...

Self-saboteur, restless mess
Freeze these moments
In your eyes
No, in your eyes
You'll never melt the ice

One, two, three, four, five
I used to feel alive
Five, four, three, two, one
Now I just chase the sun

And I still can't tell...

No, I can't tell
If we're still spinning
But I'm still dizzy
And I can't count no more

A run down.

Some of my favorite things:

The Gaslight Anthem
Doctor Who
Say Anything
Say Anything...
Being outside
Yummy food
People (in general)




So, lately I've been getting my shit together. But for real. Everything is just kind of coming together. I've not had to work super hard at it either, it kind of just all makes sense. I quit smoking weed about a month ago. I realized it had perforated most of the aspects of my life and being high had become the norm. It made me lazy. It was easy to make excuses for things while doing it and I didn't really want to do much else, or if I did I wanted to be high WHILE doing that thing. To be fair it does make you feel good. But so does running, as I have found. So does eating right and working and crazily enough NOT getting high feels pretty good as well. So that's going nicely. I have been eating a vegan diet for about two weeks, both for health and ethical reasons. I haven't felt too great about eating meat for a while now, and now that I know just HOW beneficial it is to your health to cut out meat, I really had no excuse. I would like to get to a point where I am eating only whole, unprocessed foods. Along with my diet change, I've also started running as I hinted at a bit ago. I love it. The first time I ran a few weeks ago I threw up. It was intense. I was not in shape. But since then, every run makes me feel good about myself and seeing my time slowly go down on my mile is also really cool. I would like to get to a point where I am running more than a mile at a time. A 5k is something I want to try and do before the summer is over. And a year from now I want to try and run a half marathon. That's 13 miles. That isn't as scary as I would expect it to be, to be honest. I know if I continue to work at getting my body in shape I will be more than capable of it. I haven't ran in a few days because I've been going to work pretty early each morning and it's pretty labor intensive, what I am doing. Push mowing and weed eating lawns, mostly. Incorporating in some riding mower, but not so much yet. For a 21 year old, I'm pretty illiterate when it comes to manual labor and working with things like mowers and what not. Luckily, Andy (the guy I am working for, on Marthann Markle's good recommendation) is really patient and helpful when it comes to getting me where I need to be to help him. He could easily get someone in town who is far more experienced than I am, but he chose me, which I am extremely grateful for.  Tomorrow we aren't going out as early, and I plan to run in the morning for the first time in a few days, and I'm really excited about that.

So, those are some ways I'm getting my body healthy. As for my mind, I am currently going to counseling. I signed up for it back in the fall, when I was struggling with some depression. By the time they finally got me in, sometime in April, I wasn't much better off. I had already realized I needed to cut out the pot and get on the ball job-wise, but I hadn't made any real motion toward that. But since starting things have really started to fall into place. I don't know how much of that I can accredit to counseling, but it certainly doesn't hurt. I think getting into counseling and actually going was a stepping stone to realizing that getting myself straight isn't that hard, it just requires a conscious effort. Which I have been giving, and intend to keep giving. Keeping in mind the mistakes I have made in the past, coupled with a great support system (that means you guys!) I think that won't be a problem. One more thing I've been doing to get my mind healthy and where I need to be is hanging out with people who are good for me and leaving those who aren't so good for me behind. I have a few friends who I felt weren't bringing me up, so I have stopped going around them. It's that simple. I don't dislike them, nor do I think they are bad people, it's just that who you align yourself with is highly important and I want to align myself with those who are there to build me up rather than tear me down. It sucks, in a way, because I am a pretty empathetic person and I know that the friends I've kind of dropped are upset and a little hurt. I know they don't get it. But c'est la vie.

That's where I am right now. I like the path I'm on. I have a hard time getting on paths sometimes, good or bad. It's like standing on a high dive above really cold water for me. I wait around there on the edge. Sometimes I will psych myself out and climb back down the ladder. Or I might fall off and execute the dive in poor form. It's like I have to just DO IT. Like most people, with most things, I suppose. Speaking of just doing it, next week I WILL go to ISU and figure out getting into classes for the fall semester. I really want to take some linguistics classes, and maybe a Spanish course as well. I've decided I am definitely going for a TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language) minor. I really think the Peace Corps. is the route I should go. I love helping people, and I want to travel. Hello? Obvious. And being able to teach English would be super helpful. And who knows? Once I have that certification, more opportunities I hadn't even considered could open up. But, first things first I HAVE to get on getting enrolled. No if, ands, or buts about it. I can't wait to get back over there and involved with UB and get active in clubs and organizations and CLASSSSSS.

To sum things up: I feel good health-wise, but am continuing to improve. I feel better mentally than I have in a while. I'm really glad to be working. I'm glad to know who my friends are and to leave behind those who are dragging me down. And, I am really excited about going back to school in the fall.

Oh, before I close, I just want to mention I've written a bit of new poetry lately. I'll post something on here soon. It's been too long.

Lots of love, friends.
Stay with me, if you dare.

-kyle gene

Misconceived Dream Advice

If you are a Christian you are a closed minded bigot.
If you are an atheist you are an arrogant prick.
If you eat meat you are unethical and cruel.
If you are a vegan you are an extremist.                                           [misconceptions]
If you are a conservative you only care about lining your pockets.                           
If you are a liberal you are a propaganda mongering fool.
If you are black you're a thief.
If you are a Mexican you're a gang banger.
If you are white you're a racist.
If you are gay you are confused.
If you are pro-choice you want babies to die.
If you are poor you are a degenerate.
If you are rich you are selfish.
If
if
if
if
If we could all just put aside our biases
If we could realize our actions affect each other
If we could stop killing each other over
Who what when why we are here                                                        [dreams]
If everyone could just take a step back and acknowledge
"I'm a person. Hey! So are you! We have common interests, don't we?"
Maybe we'd have some peace.
Not world peace. Not lasting, forever peace.
That's idealistic and unrealistic in the face of human nature.
But we can TRY. We can do our best to DO OUR BEST.
Let's stop being inactive lazy health-nut workaholics
and
and
and
and
And exist. Just exist. But not JUST exist.
Become. Live. Laugh. Cry. Hope. Dream.
Become. Become something while helping (not detracting from)
Others become something as well.
This is such a simple message.
Such a worn and ragged and overstated sentiment.
But the simplest of truths are often most poignant                                [advice]
And the things we need most are right there in the open
For the taking. So take these words and do something with them,
If you will. Even if it doesn't change the world.
Change starts with you. It starts with me.
And at the risk of beating a dead horse with a broken cliche
"Life is but a stage" ...so make yours a story you would want to watch.