Making Amends: Family First

I was just telling my buddy Christian I get more honest the later it gets. I have been going to bed 
much earlier (11 o'clock or so) and this being up late thing is a little weird.

The following is a rendering of the text message I sent to my sister Heather at 2:17 AM 06/01/2013:


 Heather,

It's Kyle, your brother. I'm so sorry I haven't messaged you before.
I gave a false start to a lot of things over the last few years. I kind of fell
apart and lost myself whenmy mom threw my dad out. I had to pick a side.
At 18, or any age, that is a really hard thing to do. Something in me shattered.
That compounded with reclaiming my first real love and losing her again that same
year--I lost any semblance of an anchor I might have had on life and went adrift.

I lost a lot of people and lost trust or respect from many more by sheer impulsivity and
thoughtlessness. I am doing my best to do right for myself and all those I love. That's why
I am texting you in the middle of the night. I got both of our hopes up about reconnecting
many months ago and simply got scared or too busy or some other invalid excuse and I
withdrew without even proper explanation. That wasn't fair or right.

I hope this isn't too little  too late,
but I would really like to get in touch with you.
You are my sister and for some reason
that means something to me. I know it does to you, too.
 I'm sorry about the hour.
I hope this doesn't wake you up,
but I just really wanted to send this
right when I thought about it.

There are some pretty bad storms rolling our way.
Tornadoes and 60+ mile an hour winds.
Still west of us, and may just clip us, as it is now.
Steady thunder and lightening and rain that alternates
from heavy to light downpour, but nothing scary yet.

That feels important.
The fact that it's storming
and it is you I felt the need to talk to.
It's fitting in its way.

Nights like these seem to follow me.

But, I'm older now, and more mature (whatever that is supposed to mean--
I hardly know). For a long time, I thought the world revolved around me. I never realized this
(or was too "humble" to ever admit what my subconscious obviously felt).
And if I am not careful, I can and will fall back into those same patterns.

It's scary, Heather. It really is. Because I know it's  wrong,
and that the selfishness I have and often do perpetrate is a ...it could be my downfall.
As it  was our father's.
And his father's.
That's the path of least resistance for me,
to be just like those
who came before me.
And it's the nature of things to follow the path of least resistance.
The easiest thing for me to do is whine and complain
how my dad did this or that or how he didn't.

But I know that I am now responsible to take matters into my own hands.
To be man enough to say "Okay, here's what happened. Where do I go from there?"
I have to blaze a new trail ahead, not wander around the same old shitty backwoods hole
my forefathers carved out for me, if you will. I want you to be on and along that trail. I have
seen your Facebook posts and pictures of you with your family, and I can tell you are a
good person. I could always use a good person in my life, especially right now as I am kind
of starting over. I recently got a job, and have taken the first steps in getting back to school
in the fall. I have some "friends" I am better without and I have some real friends and family I
know I need to spend time and/or get right with.
I am on a runway,
and I'm taking off,
this time, I really do believe,
for real.

Best hopes and wishes for you and your whole family,

Kyle Gene Burke