2 Sessions

Hannah is my counselor. Okay--go.

Last week I talked to Hannah a lot about my family. I told her a lot about my dad and my relationship with my sisters. My sisters in general. I shared feelings I didn't even know I had. I guess I suppress a lot of things without even realizing I'm doing it. I bury negative emotions and I don't talk about what REALLY bothers me, because I'm typically unaware of my own feelings. I am starting to see that I carry a LOT of pain that stems from my upbringing in a dysfunctional household. I thought I had a normal childhood. A normal family. But the more I think about it the more I understand that there is NO SUCH THING as a normal family. My family was fucked up. Still is. But so is yours. And yours. And yours too, I'd wager. It's kind of liberating to be able to say that, to admit to your own fucked-up-edness.

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This morning I talked a lot about my friends, namely the people with whom I live in a close proximity. We talked about my sleep patterns (or lack thereof). I spoke about how other people perceive me and how I come across as harsh and argumentative. I told her about my goals for getting my shit together. How I had started working out. How I want to put more of an emphasis on education and academics, because it is important to me. I also mentioned how it is hard to do these things when many of those who surround me have no such goals. I thought of Madeline and how she (you) told me about her intolerance of people who aren't working to better themselves. It's hard to forgive people's flaws when their flaws are flaws you yourself have overcome, or at least are attempting to. That seems kind of backwards, but it is true. I think that's because when we see our own weakness played out in the lives of others it reminds us that that weakness dwells within us, somewhere. Even as we have overcome laziness, drug abuse, gambling, etc etc, we know we are capable of such things. This form of intolerance comes from a deep seated self-loathing and can only be ousted when we acknowledge it as such. That's the conclusion I've drawn.