A lot to say.

I've a case of the Mondays, and I am just now getting out of bed and moving around. I am not going to class today. I don't feel really down... It's just one of those days where being around large amounts of people doesn't sound all that appealing. I guess I kind of need to mull over my weekend a bit before diving into the week, as well. To begin... Friday night Kylee Jo came to campus. We got some food in the commons and watched Riding in Cars With Boys in my room. And then we did some other things which are often classified under the umbrella statement of "fooling around." Does one usually walk away satisfied, or as the name implies, is the feeling of foolishness simply a part of the bag? I have no romantic feelings for her. I knew that going into the evening. And yet...hormones. I can't really separate sex and love. It just doesn't work for me. It just feels wrong--shallow. We both acknowledged the wrongness of the situation.
But the movie was good. I just about cried at the end. Drew Barrymore is divine. So, after everything had        happened that was going to happen for the night Kylee, and I got to talking. Insecurities, exes, etc. Naturally, Logan was an important element in the discourse, as was Madeline. Kylee said "I want to meet this girl." So, I pulled out my phone and invited Madeline over. And over she came. Feeling quite good, I would presume.  ;)
That was fun. You are a happy drunk, Madeline Anne. ...and that was Friday.
       Saturday was decent. I played Final Fantasy on Nathan's PS3 and then I went home to spend a few hours with my mom and sisters. Everyone was home, which is a rarity. That was really nice. I sat in the living room just watching Disney with my family and I don't care what any one says, that makes me happy. I got up off the love seat to go get some food and before I started walking towards the kitchen Courtney said she had something to tell me, and that I better sit down. So I sat down, not sure if she had anything really serious to tell me, or if she was just being Courtney. But, uh, I sat down and she said that she had went to the doctor's the week before last and that she'd found out that she was pregnant. I hadn't been home and she didn't want to tell me over the phone, so she waited until she could tell me in person. I didn't really know how to respond. And I told her as much. I said "Well, I don't know what to tell you." And I told her that I'm glad she has a job and that she shows herself to be responsible in some ways in her life. I told her that it's going to be hard, having a baby at her age and place in life. She said that she knew and I said "No, you really don't. I don't really know either. But you will know. You'll know." Mom sat on the couch nodding along to what I had to say. Then mom said to me "It should come around your birthday. You might get a birthday present."  And then we went back to watching tv. I just thought...the day after just watching a movie about a young girl getting pregnant and how it changed her whole life as well as the lives of her family and friends...my feelings were all a mixture of jubilation and excitement for a new life and a new member of our family as well a certain sadness. Because this is going to be really hard on Courtney, and in turn on the rest of us. She's just a kid herself. She has a lot to get in order and a lot of maturing to do...and she's going to be a mama. And I'll be an uncle! Mom will be a grandma...
Later Saturday evening I saw "The Comedy of Errors" over at Rose-Hulman. It was by no means a fantastic performance, but there were elements I enjoyed. Jacob came along and then we had dinner (again in the commons). That's all there is of note for Saturday.
      Yesterday, Sunday, I decided not to go to church. Instead, I opted to play about three and a half hours of Final Fantasy. Then I did my homework that was due, as to feel a little accomplished. Nate and I went to the hot tub and chilled last night, which was a good time. Rejuvenating. I got to thinking last night. Reflecting on the news I received on Saturday and I wonder if I should move home this summer and live at home for a while. Get a job and work as much as I can while still going to school. I get so wrapped up in "my" life here at school that I hardly stop to think about what's going on with my mom and sisters. I know mom doesn't have much money and yet she still pays for my cell phone and car insurance...on top of taking care of two daughters still in high school. I know things are only going to get tougher as Courtney's pregnancy moves along. I guess, it's time I start trying to help take care of my family. Because no other man is doing it.
       If I allowed myself to think about it much, I'd be pissed that dad doesn't help out at all. He could easily send the girls some money. For basic needs or just a "Hey here's twenty bucks, go out to dinner or something." You know? He's bitter with my mom and mad and hurt that their marriage didn't work. And that equates to him not coming down to see us (them, really, I'm a big boy and can take care of myself). Really? You aren't going to come see your own daughters? And then he gets so mad when Courtney doesn't text or call him. Well, god damn it, be a fucking father, better yet be a DAD and maybe your kids will want to stay in contact with you He doesn't have the money to come down.  The drive is too rough on him. But he can come down to Paris and pick up his friend Randy so he can come back up north and stay with him for a while. And he doesn't have enough  to send money to make life a little easier for his daughters, but he can buy a new truck. And he can spend 600 dollars for a tune-up on that truck. I'm done being okay with that. With him. Does that mean I'm going to treat him like he treats us? Am I going to cut contact with him? Am I going to play his little game? No. I want to confront him. Let him know just how childish he's been. Let him know how he's messed up his family. But I'm terrible at confronting my dad. He get's so emotional, and then I'm the one left feeling badly. I know that isn't fair. I have to be a man. I have to take care of a family he's all but given up on, and I have to let him know that that is exactly what I am doing. This post has taken me a few hours.