The average price for a funeral casket is just over $2000. For a box. That you are going to bury in the ground.
Donna Sanders died on Monday of this week. Donna was the mother-in-law to both my Uncle Bob and Aunt Glenda. Aunt Glenda married Donna's son, Eddie, and Uncle Bob married Eddie's sister, Shelley. Small world, ain't it? Anyway, Donna had cancer for the last 22 years and sadly died from it. I didn't know her all that well, even though she was almost family. What I do know is the she was always friendly towards me. She smiled a lot. Her kids and grand-kids absolutely loved her. She wasn't fancy--jeans and t-shirt kind of person. And that's what they are burying her in. This post isn't about Donna, although she certainly deserves a myriad of words said on her behalf. No, I want to talk about funerals and feelings, and where we go wrong.
The way we deal with death in this culture is ridiculous and repressive. It's how it has been done for ages and who am I to tell people they are grieving wrong...? Well just hear me out. Like I said before, Donna wasn't a person of high style and she didn't dress in grand attire. Why is it necessary for every one to get dressed up in their nicest clothes (in Eddie's case he is buying new clothes because he doesn't really own any) in order to go to an extremely formal and contrived funeral service? Why do we buy hundreds of dollars in flowers and buy all kinds of nice hors d'oeuvres for gatherings to honor the deceased? Fortunately, Donna's daughter Beth works at Olive Garden and they volunteered to pay for food for the family gathering that was held this afternoon, and that was incredibly kind, to be sure. But seriously...their mother just died. Do they really WANT to get dressed up in their nicest clothes and eat fancy food?
This is how I feel on that matter, and I don't think I can possibly be alone in this. My mom or someone close to me dies the LAST thing I want to do is pretty myself up. I'm going to put on my lousiest, most comfortable clothes and I'm going to cry. You come over to my house expecting food and conversation about how I feel? Here, have a fucking Twinkie; my mom died, thanks.
because they are bad for you and you do not care
You know what I mean? THAT is how you feel when someone close to you dies. Sure, we can gather and remember a person in a formal setting (though preferably an informal one) a while after he/she is gone. When a person is interred in the ground there should be sobbing and wailing if that is what is felt. The days leading up to the funeral shouldn't be about the family forcing eulogies out or making all kinds of preparations for an elaborate service. It's all so forced and unnatural. Besides, let's say we waited six months or a year to hold the formal gathering. It would no longer be a contrived get together to mourn the death of the lost family member, but rather a time to celebrate the life of a mutually loved individual. By that time, the family will have had plenty of time to mourn together and get passed the worst of the sadness. By that point, it wouldn't be so hard to get up and say something like "Damn, she was nosy sometimes wasn't she? *insert anecdote here* But I still miss her like crazy" Or something equally honest. Because the way it is, its hard to be completely honest. It's disrespect to the dead and the family to remember anything but the best about a person at their funeral, and I agree. They've been dead three days, four tops, and that is not enough time to reflect on a person's life appropriately.
Ideally, I'm suggesting that we completely flip the construction of the American funeral, sure. But not immediately. All I'm really calling for right now is that individuals are honest with themselves and how they feel about any given situation. It is my sincere wish that people would look past the socially constructed bullshit that overwhelms our lives and interrogate their own emotions for what is real and what is merely acting in accordance to a standard for standard's sake.
Ideally, I'm suggesting that we completely flip the construction of the American funeral, sure. But not immediately. All I'm really calling for right now is that individuals are honest with themselves and how they feel about any given situation. It is my sincere wish that people would look past the socially constructed bullshit that overwhelms our lives and interrogate their own emotions for what is real and what is merely acting in accordance to a standard for standard's sake.
1 comment:
I agree with what you are saying to a point. Definately a memorial service a few months down the road would serve more justice to our loved ones once they have passed. Funerals are about tradition and each generation tends to alter some things to make them more modern if you will. For instance as recently as 45 years ago funerals were often held in the home of a family member and the visitation period would last a day or two with grieving family and friends gathered around. Also the music has changed in most cases from old church songs to more modern upbeat music. Each family has the choice to conduct themselves and the funeral as they please. As each generation makes plans there are changes. Ultimately it is a personal decision but I feel people conform to what society says is the right thing to do.
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