31 July 2010
Crap Casserole
I miss my dad. I don't miss my dad. I don't feel like he ever was a dad. I miss little things that DID make him a dad. I hate that my mom did what she did. I blame her. I don't blame her at all. I love my mom. I miss talking to her. I feel like she puts more of her life into that fucking Ron than she does her family anymore. I don't really think that. I feel like I would rather be at Madeline's with HER family than my own most days. I really would. I wish mom and I still talked how we used to. About anything and everything. I want to just be my own person. I don't know who that person is. I have no identity. I hate being a kid. I don't want to be a grown up. I want to be a teacher. At least, that is what I've wanted the past few years. I really don't think I'll be happy as a teacher. I think I'm happiest when talking to people. I could be a therapist. I feel if I did go into that line of work people would think it were just another way I'm too into Madeline's life and not my own. I felt that at first. But it isn't true. I don't care what people think. I care what people think FAR too much. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared every day. I'm...scared. I hate that I'm not closer with my sisters. I hate that they don't want to be closer. I hate that I don't care enough to really try and change that. I wish my sisters would talk to dad. I wish he would stop telling me he wants them to call him and just CALL THEM. I really do like music way too much to not make it part of my life somehow. I'd like working for some music magazine. I'm a snob. I think I'm better than almost everyone I know. I'm not. Not even close. I didn't live up to my potential in school. I AM really smart, and I could have gotten straight As. Hands down. But I got a fucking D in math the last semester of my senior year. I DON'T suck at math. I just don't like it and when I don't like something I don't care about it. I don't care about anything enough. I care about many things too much. I hurt people's feelings unintentionally. All the time. I underestimate the intelligence of all but maybe 15 to twenty people in my life. I probably overestimate the intelligence of those people. I am constantly scared. I know I already wrote something extremely similar to that, but I don't care. I don't want to be scared of anything. I believe that "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself". I have no regrets in my life. Sure, I've handled some situations badly in my life. But everything I've done has helped get me to where I am today. I'm happy with where I am. Genuinely happy. Despite all the problems I have with how close I am with them, I love my sisters and would kill for them. I love my mom, even though I wish we were closer. We probably never will be as close as I want. I love Madeline, and I accept that everything we've been through only has strengthened us. I love her parents. Jim has been a better father figure in my life than my dad has been since I can remember, when it comes to guidance and just having a man to turn to. Melissa, she is probably the easiest person for me to turn to when I really need to talk about something that is on my heart. I know I'm young, but I hope I become part of that family. I'm way too negative about myself. I'm a good person. I'm thoughtful and I am caring. I have some things I really need to work on, and I plan on doing so. I am doing so. Right now. This is the first step. Whatever this is. It's my faults. It's what's good about me. It's my (lack of) direction. It's my (undefined) goals. It is my heart. My mind. My worries. This is the closest approximation to what exactly Kyle Gene Burke IS that you are going to get at this moment in time. I believe in God. What is God? Who is God? I don't know any of that. I don't think it matters. I believe I have a purpose. I don't know what that is either. It seems that I don't know much. But I do. But I don't. But I do. That is my inner dialogue all the time. Or something similar. Fuck it. This is getting stupid. It was stupid from the outset. But it is helpful and I'm getting to know me. No, I'm really just going on and on about every little thing I find halfway relevent. Isn't that the same thing? Am I not just a composite score of everything around me? Knowledge. Beliefs. All that. I don't have any more I want to say. This ending isn't definitive. But then again, this isn't really an ending.
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4 comments:
Kyle Burke.
Your ramblings are you.
You are you, whether you know it or not.
Did that sentence make sense to you?....
:P
This made me smile. I know it's a jumble and I know it's real, but it made me think of that first day I said you might be bipolar. :) You sounded just like this.
Okay. Next part of my comment: Kyle Gene,
You are you. Parts of you are wonderful. The people who love you grab onto those parts. There are parts of you that are flawed. Every human is flawed. Lord knows I'm flawed. You're at a major turning point. You're are that "I'm kind of a grown up now because legally I'm an adult" phase. That's hard for everyone. That phase broke my sister apart. You ARE smart. No. You DON'T work to your potential. However. A whole new world for you is going to open up. TAKE IT! You can work to your potential and find new heights you didn't dream possible. College is new. Yes you hurt people's feelings sometimes. I know you don't mean to. Live. Think before you speak--about the words and the person to recieve them. Remain you. You will become the best version of yourself, not a different person. Your sisters are struggling. Your mom is struggling. Your dad is struggling. Tell your dad to call your sisters, because now that I have created this life, I wish Ian had forced Jay to call me, because as awkward as it might have been, I'd have benefited somehow--I'm sure. They'll thank you someday. Or not. But you'll know the gratitude is in their hearts. Your mom is struggling financially, emotionally, and she's probably questioning her capacity for love. Ron was there once, and she's continuing to lean on him. For whatever reason, he fills her needs right now. And here's the kicker. You know all of this. Not one word that I've typed here is news to you. You're smart. You're just trying to find yourself, and that's never an easy task. Don't give up, because the most basic, kind, and genuine version of yourself is in there, there's just a lot of shit covering it up. Kay?
I was crying as soon as I started to read this. I carry alot of guilt when it comes to what happened with your dad. It is sad but true he never tried very hard to be a dad to you and even less I feel for the girls. I take full blame for not trying harder to change that years ago. You know how little contol I really had over most things. I wish he would call the girls to take interest in their lives. I wish he would take more interest in your life. I can't change those things. What I can change is you and me. You my son are my heart. I will always love you with everything I am. I want you to come to me with anything and everything. I want to be involved in your education,job search, and anything else you do. You are a very good brother. Your sisters just won't accept it. I think they will as they get older and will see how much you love them. You and I are very emotional people. I don't know if the girls are so much so. Teenage girls (I would know I was one many moons ago) are usually more concerned with what makes them happy and have a hard time seeing beyond their image of how life should be.You like anyone else are trying to find who you are and what you want from life. That will continue to change as you get older. It's not a bad thing. Actually a good thing to be aware of I think. Just try to do the best you can that is all I can ever ask of you.
I was going to say there was way too much to comment on in that blog. And then Maddie commented on all of it. I was really just going to say we love you and it will all work out. Because both of those things are true.
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