Why do I blog?
Take #1
Well, a lot of the time I blog because I want to be heard. Either because I feel lonely and unheard otherwise, or on the polar opposite I feel as if I have something to say that matters so much that I feel the need to share it with as many people as possible. Not that those two scenarios are exclusive. No, often it is a heady mixture of dangerously low levels of self-worth and superfluous ego(s). That's my best guess. An approximation. I could keep a journal that was private, be it electronic or traditional paper and pen. I used to do that. I still journal every now and then. Not as much as I probably should. It keeps me focused--a journal holds me accountable for the things I have done and helps me to evaluate the things I do. To have what is essentially a "public" journal though holds me accountable not only to myself, but also those who read it. Reason #3 that I blog: stabilization. Writing in and of itself is a stabilizing factor, insofar as when I write I feel like I am painting an objective picture of sorts out of the ever changing, subjective landscape that is my mind and thoughts. It's lines like that last one that make me think I'm a poet. But really, I think I use metaphors and similes and the like because I don't know how else to say what I mean to say. I don't feel like I'm being deep or artistic when I say that an afternoon with the one you love laying in the sun makes forever feel soft and comforting, like a down-pillow for your soul -- when I say that it's just how I feel. Those are the words that come. That's how I perceive reality at that point in time. So anyway, I guess I am taking a long time to say that I don't feel smart or deep or anything. I don't know if I feel much of anything sometimes. And other times I feel too much of the wrong thing. Anger, sadness, self-loathing, self aggrandizing, fear, hope. I don't think I understand feelings all that well, except for the times when I don't understand anything else. Wow, I don't even know how many tangents I have started and stopped since writing this segment here that started out as an explanation on the stabilizing benefits of blogging for me. I kind of went into a stream of consciousness style diatribe on how I see myself. Or maybe how I want to be seen. Sometimes I'm not sure which is what and which influences the other or if they are the same thing...I'm having a really hard time staying on course tonight. This morning. The time that it is right now. I don't usually stay up this late anymore. I also haven't been writing as much as I used to. As I should. Because it stabilizes me. Round back full circle. I have too many things in my mind vying for attention and applied importance. But putting some of what's up there out here into the world is a great relief. Because then my words and feelings and worries and hopes and struggles and fears and loves and despairs and *INHALE*...are no longer just in my head and heart but in the heads and hearts every everyone who reads it. Even if the one reading it is just me. Because more often then not the "me" that is reading about what I am thinking and feeling isn't the same "me" who thought and felt those things. Even the me that writes these words is a little removed from that is actually experiencing these thoughts and feelings. But getting myself on the same page as the rest of myself is important. The me who writes and the me who reads has to at least try to make sense of the me that perceives. I'm not sure if I'm describing a natural explanation of the "human experience" if such a thing exists, or if I'm merely describing my own experience in hopes that someone out there "gets" it. In any case, the goal as to not be alone and to unite and identify with those like me. Like us. Whatever that means. Any way.
Why do I blog? Because I feel alone, but I know that I'm not. And I need to tell myself that I'm not so I continue to know it. And hopefully others might know it too, through seeing themselves in me. Or in my words. Or in their hearts and heads. I blog to meet myself, the world. I am the world, and so are you. You are me. And I am you. It's not always pleasant to meet parts of yourself. We recoil and lash out at our fellow man. We do that because we know that deep down we are no better. That no person is any better than the next--because each person IS the next. I love you. I hate you. I am you. I love you. I hate you. I AM you.
Take #2
There are a lot of reasons. Sometimes it's a coping mechanism--no, actually it's a coping mechanism. Yes.
That's it. That's all there is to it. I blog to cope. For all that that entails and more.
Take #3
I blog because birds fly and grass is green.
I blog because my cat scratches me, because I let her.
I blog because I think that girl is cute and she thinks I'm cute, but is there anything else?
I blog because women and children and cigarettes are terrible for me, addiction.
I blog because I'm lazy.
I blog because I don't understand the question.
I blog and I write and I post on the internet because I'm scared and lonely and happy and alive and
I blog because Madeline gave me her blog address in Mrs. Mauer's classroom wow five fucking years ago.
and it's still in my wallet.
I blog because Aimee always has something positive to say about my poetry. And because Paige finds things I write important enough to put in her sketch book.
I blog because Nichole understands the words I say even when I don't (and vice versa).
I blog because I need to have lunch with Clifford and Nik and Nate SOON.
I blog because it was a really poor decision to drop out of school.
I blog because I need a job.
I blog because more than a job I need a passion.
I blog because I need to think more and feel less.
I blog because I need to think less and feel more.
I blog because I love the attention and I need your approval and I don't care what you think and I am just trying to spite you and I want you to like me and I need you to love me and I need to not love you and I love to not need you and I miss you and I miss you and I miss you and wow I really want to start saying mean things about my dad but "I miss you" is all that keeps coming?
I blog because fuck you. Because you suck. Because you hurt my mom. And my sisters.
And yeah you hurt me, but I'm so much more angry that you would even dream of hurting THEM.
I blog because I needed to say all of that, and not just in my head.
I blog because you broke my heart.
I blog because I let you.
I blog because your family has become like mine though I feel like you hate me, sometimes.
I blog because in freshman year I thought I loved a girl that Beth Boyer and I code named "The Atmosphere on Mars".
I blog because sometimes love goes sour, but lemons are already sour, so they last even longer.
I blog because I found out her dad died while I was out at Mill Creek between showings of Sleepy Hollow.
I blog because Candybar called me Kyley-Wiley (Is that right?)
I blog because my cousin was my bestfriend and my brother.
I blog because FUCK Wal-Mart, that's why.
I blog because I really wanted to end this post on that line, but decided that anti-consumerism and anti-corporate society isn't the most pressing issue in my life.
I blog because I love life.
I do.
I love living.
And I love people.
And the things they say.
And the things they do.
And colors and sounds and...
I'm so glad I'm alive.
And I want others to be glad too.
And to feel as much love and hate towards all of everything that I do.
I blog to connect--to engage and work cohesively with the rest of the world.
I blog because I blog. Just like I do anything else. It is a part of who I am and the answer to why I do anything is Because I am Me.
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